Last week on Married With Children a heat wave gripped Chicago.
But after Al's pool mysteriously sprung a leak...
...he decided to do what any responsible husband would do.
He moved his family into the supermarket.
At first, life was good there.
Thank you, cheese lady.
Then life was bad.
Buy something or you'll be moving into jail.
Al bought something and became the millionth customer...
...winning a shopping spree. However, Marcie disagrees.
Hey, I was the next in line.
What are you complaining about? You still are.
It all gets settled tonight on Married With Children.
We won!
Al, listen to my heartbeat.
It's incredible, Peg. I can hear it from here.
Sir, your ear hair is sticking me.
Get over here and celebrate with your family.
That man cut in front of me. I should've been the millionth customer.
Bundy, did you cut in front of this woman?
What woman?
You know it was me, you gaggle of pirates.
I have stood mutely by for five years...
...and watched you steal my paper, siphon my gas...
...loiter in my bushes, doing God knows what.
But I will not permit this. This is my $1000 shopping spree.
And I will have it if I have to carry my groceries home in your skulls.
You want me to clock her one, Daddy?
Let me handle this.
You know what you need to take your mind off this, babe?
A nice, cool Bud.
And keep the biting to a minimum.
It's a school night.
Excuse me, coming through.
Hi, I'm Mr. Foodie. I'm here to congratulate the winner.
- By the way, who is it? -Me!
What a lovely couple.
I'm not married to this thing. I'm married to that thing.
Wait a second. Aren't you Al Bundy?
Did you let this man pay with a check?
The only thing wrong with my checks is, they're postdated. Like your milk.
This man cut in front of me and bought gum.
I have been a faithful customer of this store for years.
My checks are always good. I have a customer card...
...and I know the Foodies' jingle by heart.
Well, that only proves that you two have little rhythm and no lives.
We, on the other hand, have a receipt and no lives.
And besides, we live here.
Hush, Pumpkin. Now, go wheel your brother to the car.
- All right, what are you gonna do here? -Well, there's only one fair way.
- Give us both prizes? -No, I meant fair for Foodies.
We'll let you compete for the prize. You'll both be in the shopping spree.
Whoever comes up with $1000 worth of groceries first gets to keep them.
- Well, what does the loser get? -Gets to congratulate the winner.
You know, Al, I've been thinking.
What if we really do win that $1000 worth of groceries?
Then what do we do?
I saw on 60 Minutes where some people with food actually cook it and eat it.
I've never seen Morley so shaken.
So I was right. I'm not the winner in this at all.
You get the food and the glory...
...and I just get endless hours standing in front of the big hot thing.
No, Peg, that's the stove. You're the big hot thing.
Peg, I'll tell you what.
If we win this contest, I get six hot meals.
Then we sell the food. We get an air conditioner.
Really, Al? You mean it? An air conditioner?
Six meals, Peg.
- One. -Four.
- One. -Three.
- One. -Done!
Mom, Dad, I think we're in for some trouble.
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy are doing wind sprints.
Then they drop for pushups.
Yeah. Jefferson does 25 with Marcie on his back...
...and then Marcie does 50 with Jefferson on her back.
I'm not worried. I'm a finely honed athlete.
And as for your mother, Peg, show them what a real pushup looks like.
All right, kids, I admit it. I did not marry well.
But if you haven't believed anything I've told you--
And we haven't.
Believe this: We will win this contest.
We will win. We will win big.
We will win in the Bundy tradition. We will cheat our heinies off.
- Now can I get a "Whoa, Bundy"? -Whoa, Bundy!
Look, Marcie, the best cart in the lot.
The Foodies' cart stunk. I got this from a bag lady across the street.
They always have the best stuff.
You excite me like no man I've ever met.
- No mercy to the Bundys. -No mercy.
Let's see them top this baby.
Excuse me.
What is this contraption?
That's Peg. You know her.
Not that, Pillsbury Shoe-boy.
This thing is not a regulation cart.
Au contraire, burl. cut.
- I found it right outside, didn't I? -Yeah, you did.
Mr. Foodie, a ruling, please.
- I don't know. -it's one of yours.
- See, it says, "We love Foodies." -I like that.
Here, let's get a picture of that baby.
But I'm not sure that this cart is one of mine.
- Well-- -Yeah.
See, doesn't wobble.
Get these people a regulation Foodies cart.
All right, contestants. Places, please.
Dad, where did you get this cart?
Made it in the garage from parts of the lawn mower and your mother's car.
See, it's aerodynamic. Front and rear sway bars...
...rack-and-pinion steering...
...and genuine Ginsu-spiked attitude adjusters on the hood.
It's also got an antipersonnel device or two.
Just for show.
Damn that hair trigger. There goes my tiebreaker, Peg.
What do you think?
You do all this and you can't get a better job than shoe salesman?
Research would show that most great implements of death...
...are the result of zombied-out daydreams of shoe salesmen.
Now it's time to announce the host...
...of the Foodies' Millionth Customer competition.
Well, you loved him as The Beaver.
And now, I guess, as The New Beaver.
So let's give a warm Foodies welcome to Jerry Mathers.
Thank you very much. You're very kind.
I think our agreement called for cash in advance.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies.
The store with great food, and super-low prices.
Merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me?
Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the old Bear's head.
Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many.
Can't you give him a job at the shoe store?
That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with The Beaver and come home to you.
And now for the rules.
Whoever gets $1000 worth of food first gets to keep it...
...which is more than I'm getting for this gig.
Can it be true?
Can Match Game PM not use another celebrity?
Am I truly lower than Charles Nelson Reilly?
Who is this blubbering mess?
I think he was Opie.
Opie was Ron Howard, you little fool.
I was...
No, I am The Beaver!
Thank you, Jetty Makers. Everybody. Everybody.
Spare me your pity clap.
Sign this, Opie.
It's Jerry, and it'll be two bucks.
What I think Mr. Mathers means is, "Contestants, wish each other luck."
- Drop dead. -Lick feet.
- Eat dust. -Grow hair.
On your mark.
Get set.
Go!
Come on, Peg! Come on, Peg!
Follow me, Peg! Follow me, baby!
Come on, Peg. Follow me.
Just like we planned. Just like we practiced.
Here's one. Here's two. Here's three.
Peg! Peg! Where is that damn woman?
Look, Al. "Do It To Me" red. They never have this at my salon.
If you want me, I'll be in beauty supplies.
- Too cheap, honey. We don't need it. -I know.
Look, Al. I found this really expensive--
Al?
Al Bundy, would you stop fooling around? Come on.
AI!
Could you settle a bet between me and my sister?
She says you frittered away all your money on booze and cheap women.
I say doughnuts and cheap booze.
Give me a quarter or just go away.
Put it in there. Let's go.
Viva la can o! death!
Mr. Beaver, could you settle another bet between me and my brother?
He says that you're so low that for this nickel you'll bellow like a moose.
Now I say if you could bellow like a moose, why would you be here?
Beau? Oh, Beau?
Attention, contestants. Our first totals are in.
The Bundys, $210. The D'Arcys, $270.
Eat hot grocery death!
Al, honey, we're losing. And you're a pro at that. Do something!
We've been paying too much attention to Marcie and Jefferson.
From now on, we play with our heads instead of our hearts. Come on.
Come on, Marcie.
Jefferson?
If I was playing with my heart, I'd have waited till Marcie was loading.
- You're a good man, Al. -And a pretty darn good friend too.
Come on, Peg! Come on, Peg!
At last count: The D'Arcys, $720 worth. The Bundys, $710.
Look, here's 50 cents. It's all I have.
Just, please, leave me alone.
Just one last question, if the autograph hounds can stay back.
Did you ever think of teaming up with Eddie Munster for the Pathetic Tour?
Look, let's get this over with once and for all.
I may earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver...
...and appearing at supermarkets...
...but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
Golly, that felt good.
- That's my douche! -Oh, yeah?
Yeah? Well, you touched my girlie fizz.
- Come on. It's mine, and I want it! -Damn it, Al! We're both men.
There's plenty of room in feminine hygiene for both of us.
All right? Let's shake on it.
I'm blind...
...and I smell like summer rain.
- Peg! Peg, where are you? -Right here, honey.
Damn Jefferson blinded me with feminine goo.
He ought to spray it in his own eyes before getting into bed with that--
Al, honey, come on, stop dilly-dallying. We're behind!
- Why, Peg? -Come on. Let's go.
Jefferson, bonanza! Imported water!
Oh, my God. My contact. I've lost my contact!
You're just playing too much with Jefferson and Marcie...
...to pay attention to what you're doing.
I'll just have to pay attention for the both of us.
Jefferson, I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Marcie? Marcie, where are you?
There you are.
Look, shallots from Italy. You know how much these babies are worth?
I don't know, honey.
Could you dash over to the first-aid aisle and find me an artery clip?
Okey-dokey.
Oh, me...
That's me. I was The Beaver.
Who?
Our two families are running neck and neck. The D'Arcys, $990.
The Bundys, $979.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a horserace.
They've incapacitated the cart of death, Peg!
Oh, no! Al, we're gonna lose!
Not this time, babe.
Strike!
$1000! The Bundys win!
We won! We won! Peg! Peg, where are you?
- Where are you, Peg? -I'm coming, Al. I'm coming. Gangway!
No, Peg! No, it's over!
Well, I married her.
Well, throw another city on the barbie.
It's 112, so remember to crack the window...
...when you leave Grandma in the car.
This is the life, isn't it? Food and an air conditioner.
Your father finally came through for us.
- When's Daddy gonna enjoy all this? -Well, I don't know.
The doctor says that cool air isn't good for an exposed liver.
But don't worry, Daddy's happy in his pool.
And I just brought him a nice, cool drink.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group